So Far Away, And Yet So Close

Why is it so hart to love myself, sometimes? Why do I feel so far away from my divine essence? If my divine essence is “the real me”, how come it feels so convincing when I feel down or depressed or lonely or weird?

My latest adopted theory is the concept othat when I am down or depressed or lonely or weird, it’s just my “emotional body” acting up. This emotional body is one aspect of me - one layer to me. This emotional body is the part of me that learned at a young age to attach itself to likes and dislikes… to label this as “good” and to label that as “bad”.

But there was a time where I teeter tottered between this emotional body with all its judgments and preferences, and my true divine essence that simply existed and allowed pure joy to run through unimpeded, no matter the circumstance. But the emotional body started to solidify its place in me, eventually embedding so deeply inside that it convinced me that this was me. And so my whole existence began to form around this emotional body - my likes and dislikes - and I began to ONLY see the world through the lenses of this emotional body.

This meant my happiness - how I felt - was totally depended on events, experiences, and circumstances outside of myself - in my external world, as they say.

Most people go their whole lives thinking this is true, this is how to live your life.

It is a lie.

Most people don’t know how they’ve been manipulated into a world view before they were even of age to know, too far gone to rid themselves of this horrible lie and return to the state of their divine essence. So they to the best they can. They pursue the most pleasures possible. They try to eliminate the or avoid as much pain as they possible can. They live enmeshed int his world of polarity, never knowing there is another way.

Today I write about this other way. Today I have good news of living outside this trap, this matrix of constant polarity. A higher way. A transcendent way.

But you have to go through to get there. Would you do it? Would you sign up for this?

Do you want the perpetual hell of polarity, experiencing brief glimpses of false joy coming from external events and circumstances only to be followed by bouts of bad moods, depression, and anxiety? Or do you want the temporary hell of deattaching yourself from all the things that kept you safe or kept you occupied along the way, in order to return to your true nature and feel the permanent joy that effortlessly resides with you?

The answer may seem obvious from an intellectual standpoint, but most people choose the first option, and that’s provided they even have the privilege of becoming aware they have a choice!

Today you’re lucky enough to have a choice simply by reading this.

I have chosen Choice #2 and I can say it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The only way to play is by going “all-in”, and that’s before you realize what going all-in means. And once you choose, there’s no turning back. The Matrix movie had it right!

So here’s the game: separating yourself from anything and everything you could ever want… any desire, any craving, any automatic behavior. Or rather, it’s separating yourself from the mechanism embedded deeply inside you that manipulates you to desire, to crave, to automatically behave. You must choose love every time, and every time you choose love, a part of you has to die. Don’t worry, it’s a part that needs to die, but it will not be easy. Every time you choose love, you remove your options from every choice except one. God (aka love).

This is the paradox… the deeper I go, the less choice I have, the freer I feel. The ore choices I appear to have, the more trapped I am, the more I suffer.

I must separate myself from the psychic possession that has a hold inside of me. This psychic possession is my emotional body (shoutout “Only Fear Dies” by Barry Long), feeding off me feeding it. Every time I satisfy a craving, it grows in power. The only solution is to starve it out. What’s very important for me to remember is that this part I am starving out is not me. It FEELS like me - oh boy does it EVER feel like me! Up until recently, I would have told you 100 times out of 100 this is the real me. But I finally realize it is not.

I must starve it out. I must deny my urges. I must separate myself from the psychic possession - this “thing” inside me that has this urge, until it dies. When it dies, then I can truly live. That is, until the next one.

One by one I must eradicate every physical urge I have. This may seem like an arduous process, but I bring even more good news today. The more I practice, the better I get. Like anything, right? What it takes is a commitment, followed by dogged determination.

This is signing up for little hells. Little deaths. Possibly daily. Possibly more. It is hell to deny my usual comforts and safeties. And you better believe my psychic possession does not go quietly into the night. No. It twists every logic, every story, every part of my ego in order to convince me I need it… that I cannot live without it… that it’s okay to satisfy the craving just this time… that no noe is looking and we can start over again after this one. It writhes. It kicks. It screams its demonic scream. It will not go silently into the night.

But here’s what I do: every second of every minute of every hour of every day, I practice. I practice separating myself from my emotional body, from this psychic possession inside of me. I must re-convince myself it’s not me, every time just as consistently, and now more consistently than the relentless programming of early childhood that taught me to live this way.

Can I do it? Can I pull this off? In a world where 99.99% of people arent’ aware of this option, let alone commit to it, is tis even possible to be successful?

Here’s my answer: I’ve achieved everything I’ve ever set my mind to in my life. This commitment is different because there is nothing here to “achieve”. So I commit, yes. And what I commit to is dying every day. I may not be so good at this right out of the gate, but I will never give up. My soul depends on me. My soul depends on my commitment. My soul depends on my separating us from this psychic possession. My soul depends on my separating us from my emotional body. My soul depends on my separating us from the only lenses of life I have ever known. My soul depends on me to die. To die so it can show me how to live.

Souls, to this point, most of them anyway, only live when their ‘human’ dies. The physical body parishes, the heart stops beating, and the soul leaves to carry on its soul-life. I plan to die while I am living, so I can experience true life - true LIVING - while I am alive here on this 3 dimensional plane of existence.

And that is worth dying for. I choose to die every day. So I can truly be alive!