Rooting Out The Evil Inside

At first, nothing happens. But I’ve read that stillness is the only way. So I stay still. I focus on my belly.

Minutes pass. I notice thoughts attempting to distract my consciousness. I kindly allow them to exit just as swiftly as they entered, and I refocus on my belly. I am on a mission.

Laying still would be so boring if not for feeling so good, since my body is exhausted and appreciates the inactivity. As I continually bring my attention, my focus, back to my belly from every wandering thought, something happens.

What was that?! Did something move?! Was that supposed to happen?! Is this good?! It went away, did I scare it away, will it happen again?!

I relax my mind back on my belly, trying not to want anything to happen. Stillness. Back to stillness. Back to focused attention on the place where all stale emotion gets stuck - in my belly.

Then it happens again.

A subtle gurgling in my belly. As if an energy is moving.

Is this just the natural process of digestion? Am I overly excited to sense something happening?

I remember my training and I scrub away any labels, any wants, any desires. And I just feel. I simply focus on the sensation of my belly.

Little by little I sense and feel more gurgling. It feels like tiny pockets of air - perhaps little bubbles - are on the move. I know not where. I just feel.

I detach and I just feel, continually brining my presence back to these sensations inside my belly as my attention wanders every few seconds.

Then, after several minutes, my left leg starts to get jumpy. Okay, clearly energy is on the move. That’s the only way to describe what I feel - energy moving. I pull my attention back just slightly in order to focus on the energy inside my belly and the energy inside my left leg at the same time.

I’ve got them. I’ve got them on the run. I sink my awareness into the combination of these sensations. I just feel - feel inside of them. I become them.

They wriggle and writhe. My leg becomes extremely (and randomly) jumpy and uncomfortable and it dawns on me: it’s trying to throw me off. It’s trying to make me so uncomfortable that I stop the meditatin, that I pull baack my attention, that I get up and go do something else.

I’m not going anywhere.

I made it. I made it to hell. This is what I’ve been looking for. Hell. On my time. Instead of waiting till hell comes to me through an unexplainably time-delayed bad mood or reasonless depression, I came and rooted it out from its hiding place. Maybe not all of it. But certainly the part that didn’t appreciate me focusing on its hiding spot… the next energy to rise to the surface and be unmasked for its true identity.

“Out”, I command it. This is the false me. The stuck emotion that relies on stimulation to find joy. External validation energy. I want it gone.

“Exit. You’re evicted, not welcome here. Leave.”

And right then, I realize the power of intention, the power of focused attention. It has to be leave. It has to do what I command. How else would this work? It is a nameless, faceless energy, aimlessly wandering because I’ve placed my attention on it. And it instinctually dawned on me, it was waiting for my command.

“Leave,” I repeated.

And I noticed in my mind’s eye its path from my belly down my leg. Not my right leg, only my left. Noted. Interesting - perhaps I will disover why in due time. Now is not the time to ponder or to ask.

And then I realized it needed an exit point. I needed to give it a path to leave my body. It came to me out of nowhere: put my feet in nature - I needed to step on the ground.

I kept my attention on these fluctuating energies in my belly, but mostly now in my left leg, for a few more minutes to make sure this wasn’t a trick of the emotional body to get me to remove my attention from it. I’m about 30 minutes in at this point, having withstood a dozen or more annoying fluctuations of energy intensity that I can most closely associate with restless leg syndrome, and I sit and feel just a few minutes longer. As I feel more jumpiness in my left leg, I picture the energy slowly pushing down into my foot. I need to step on the ground. I need to ground this energy so it has a place to leave my body. Mother Earth can take it. Mother Earth sees this all the time. She can transmute it. She knows what to do.

I take a couple final breaths into the sensations, get up and walk outside in the grass. For good measure, I sit on the side of the pool and soak my feet for 30 minutes while I write this. The energy is now gone. I just eliminated stale, stuck, stagnant old emotional turbulence from my gut, down my leg, and out through the bottom of my feet.

Interesting, how much better of a mood I’m in compared to an hour ago. Damn. Maybe there’s something to this stuff. Even though it was hard to lay down and be still to try this, I commit to doing more. I need to do more of this.

I am proud of myself.